Does the Dating Pool Have Pee in It? Or Are You Just Stuck in the Kiddie Pool?
Dating is hard, let's not be confused about that. But is it possible we make it harder on ourselves? Absolutely. Between casual dating fueled by endless swiping on apps and a world where you have access to basically everyone, dating fatigue is very real. Throw in a few people who haven’t started unpacking their attachment styles, and it’s no surprise that “casual” dating often turns into a mess of straight-up horrible pseudo-relationship patterns.
I know what you’re thinking, what is a pseudo-relationship? Imagine two people who text every day, share personal secrets, spend weekends together, and even get jealous of each other’s dating lives, but they’ve never actually agreed to be in a relationship. There’s no clear commitment, no established boundaries, and when conflicts come up, there’s no real framework to work through them. It looks and feels like a relationship from the outside, but it’s missing the communication, clarity, and respect that a healthy partnership needs. That’s called a pseudo-relationship.
This relationship might feel good on the surface. Maybe it scratches a deep emotional itch and gives you the illusion of feeling complete. Maybe it delivers bursts of attention, affection, or excitement that feel intoxicating in the moment. But in the long run, it usually does more damage than good.
Pseudo-relationships are dangerous because they give you the illusion of passion and connection, but really, they’re a way to stay avoidant and never dive into the real work of connecting with people and dating with intention.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to downplay those feelings. That euphoric feeling is real. But the foundation for it often comes from attachment trauma. Attachment trauma is the emotional wound that forms when your early relationships with parents, caregivers, or other important adults like uncles and aunts, basically people meant to make you feel safe and loved are inconsistent, neglectful, or even harmful.
For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, the unpredictability in pseudo-relationships can actually keep you hooked. Each moment of closeness feels like a reward after a stretch of uncertainty, creating a cycle that seems passionate but is really unstable. On the other hand, if you have an avoidant attachment style, a pseudo-relationship can feel “safe” because it offers connection without the full vulnerability of commitment. You get companionship on your own terms while keeping emotional distance.
So how does speed running through these situationships mess with our ability to actually find love? When you’ve got some attachment wounds in the mix, it’s easy to start thinking unhealthy is just normal. You get used to the bare minimum, poor communication, and people who can’t or won’t meet you halfway because somewhere deep down it feels familiar. After a while, that pattern chips away at your confidence and has you questioning if real love even exists. That’s when you start hearing or saying things like “All men are trash” or “All women are…”are trash.” But really, it’s not like the whole dating pool has pee in it. You might just have been swimming in the kiddie pool the whole time because skewed connections keep training your brain to expect the wrong thing and overlook the right one.
SO HOW DO I FIX IT????
Simple really. Date with intention. That means slowing down and getting clear on what you actually want and need from a partner. Set healthy boundaries, know what you will and won’t accept, and be ready to say no when something doesn’t feel right. Intentional dating also means understanding your values and what truly matters to you in a relationship. When you’re grounded in your own needs, it’s nothing to spot when someone isn’t matching up.
Last but arguably the most difficult is learning to communicate through disagreements without fear. Conflict isn’t the enemy, how you handle it is. Building healthy communication skills helps create respect and trust instead of confusion and hurt.
By dating intentionally, you set the foundation for building a healthier, more fulfilling connection from the ground up. You also avoid speed running through toxic relationships.
