Why you should ask the difficult questions.
If you ask any couple why they’re in therapy, the number one answer is probably communication. On the surface, that makes sense. There’s a problem, you try to solve it by talking about it, and it doesn’t work. So obviously, the issue must be that you aren’t communicating efficiently, right? Well, not always.
For most people, communication is seen as two people trying to present their side with the goal of getting the other person to either adopt their belief or at least start to make room for it. But it’s hardly ever that simple. When we attach to a belief or value, there’s usually something deeper behind it. It’s rarely just about getting mad because your partner forgot to take out the trash or pick up a burger on the way home. This misplaced energy is called “Dreams within Conflict.” Here’s a common scenario that follows this pattern:
One partner gets upset because the other forgot to get a gift for their six-month anniversary. On the surface, it might look like a small thing. You may think, “It’s just a gift, it’s not that deep.” But for the other person, it hits much deeper. Maybe they grew up rarely getting gifts and watched their friends or family be celebrated while they sat on the sidelines hurt and unseen. Now, when their partner forgets, it’s not about being ungrateful or materialistic. It can actually feel like history repeating itself. They see that same child version of themselves being overlooked in the present moment.
This is what John and Julie Gottman, leading researchers and therapists in the field of relationships, call “the dream within conflict.” The fight isn’t really about the gift. It’s about what the gift represents: feeling seen, valued, and important. One partner is arguing about a gift, but the deeper dream underneath is the longing to be acknowledged and celebrated.
When couples slow down enough to uncover those dreams, the argument shifts. It’s no longer about keeping score or going back and forth. Instead, it becomes about understanding why something matters so much to the person you love.
This is where real connection happens, and where you can access the true healing that comes when vulnerability is within reach.
BUT HOW DO I FIX IT?
Of course, first and foremost, therapy would be my top recommendation. But in a world where there are barriers—social, political, or otherwise—getting help isn’t always easy. So here are two tips to support you: one for couples, whether you’ve been together for years or are just starting out, and one for people who are dating and want to set the tone for a deeper, more intentional connection.
COUPLES:
If you and your partner find yourselves arguing over things that seem “small” on the surface, like a forgotten gift, it might actually point to something much deeper. This is where building love maps comes in. A love map is simply knowing your partner’s inner world—their history, their hurts, their joys, and what certain moments truly mean to them. For example, if your partner grew up rarely being celebrated, a birthday gift may represent more than just a present; it’s a symbol of being seen and valued. Don’t be afraid to ask the difficult questions. Use Who, What, When, Where, and How as your guide to dig a little deeper and fuel meaningful communication.
SINGLES:
If you’re single, you can use a version of love maps to build deeper connections with the people you date or even with your friends. It’s about going beyond surface-level conversation and getting curious about what shaped someone. Instead of just asking, “How was your day?” try questions like, “What did birthdays mean to you growing up?” or “What makes you feel appreciated?” These questions reveal the deeper stories behind someone’s values and needs, and they help you see if your worlds actually line up. Practicing this kind of intentional curiosity makes dating less about small talk and more about real understanding.
When in doubt, just be present, stay curious, and most importantly, don’t be afraid to ask the difficult questions.
